How to successfully mediate with a Narcissist

How to successfully mediate with a Narcissist

When I say I wrote the book on narcissists, I mean it literally, as I have authored a popular book called Monsters Live amongst us on dealing with narcissistic abuse. So, if you are sceptical about mediating or negotiating with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, as a professional mediator, I assure you that it can be done!

But why would you want to negotiate with a narcissist? Unfortunately, many of us have to deal with narcissists in various aspects of life, be it at work, in business, or even in our personal lives. You might even be in the process of separating or divorcing from someone whom you believe has a narcissistic personality disorder and need to know how to negotiate with them effectively.

What is narcissistic personality disorder and how is it different?

So, how do you identify someone with NPD? A clinical perspective on narcissism offers the following observations:

• They can be selfish and dismissive, with an inability to recognize others' needs and a complete disregard for them.
• They are capable of extreme acts of cruelty and manipulation, such as coercion and gaslighting.
• They believe they are different, better, or more deserving than others due to special reasons.
• They have fragile self-esteem and need others to recognize their high value and needs.
• They become upset if others ignore them or fail to meet their perceived entitlement.
• They resent other people's successes, always prioritize their own needs above others', and demand the same from you.

How this affects mediation

Due to their lack of empathy and understanding of others' needs, narcissists will not respond to emotional pleas or requests in the same way as you or I would. This can leave the other person confused or upset when the narcissist shows no reaction to their experiences or feelings. Therefore, you must let go of your ideals of "Well, that's not how I would do or say it."

Narcissists also lack the ability to reflect on their own actions and never see themselves as anything less than perfect. This inflated self-worth makes it unlikely for them to admit wrongdoing or offer an apology. These factors make mediating with narcissists a greater challenge, necessitating a very specific approach.

Overcoming the challenges of mediating or negotiating with a narcissist

Gaslighting and distorting reality: Throughout my career, I have always emphasized the importance of keeping records and taking notes. When someone tries to distort your reality by saying one thing and doing the opposite, they may blame you, claiming you misremembered what they said. By recording conversations, writing things down, or communicating through email or text, you reinforce your memory of what was said and prevent others from distorting your thoughts or gaslighting you. Insist that both parties confirm actions, sign agreements, and put into writing what was discussed and agreed upon.

Victim, rescuer, and persecutor roles: Narcissists will attempt to portray themselves as victims or even your rescuers in order to gain an advantage during mediation. They may also try to cast you as the persecutor and accuse you of playing the victim. Whenever someone tries to assign any of these three roles to you, do not engage in their mind games. If they persecute you, do not play the victim; if they act as victims, do not attempt to rescue them or accuse them. Additionally, never allow them to play the role of your rescuer. When faced with this tactic, do not participate in their game. Step away from the table, be the logical adult, and respond calmly and non-emotionally. In any mediation, I always encourage both sides to explore emotions and issues but within a blame-free culture. I also ensure that any issues discussed are focused on moving forward and not merely distorting the session

When they refuse to let go or move on: In order to mediate with someone who has NPD, you need to adopt a specific style of communication that is akin to a form of verbal jujitsu. To practice this verbal martial art, you must ensure that you are fully in control of the situation by asking the right questions. While we may think that dominating the conversation is the best negotiation method with a narcissist, it is actually more effective to listen openly and choose the right time to redirect them toward a positive outcome using specific questions. A skilled negotiator understands the power of using various specific questions that help people keep moving forward, seek mutually beneficial resolutions, and keep everyone engaged in the process.

How a professional mediator will help you work with a narcissist:

1.    Your mindset is vital. It is crucial to maintain a clear, calm, and relaxed mind in order to prevent them from distracting you and attacking your emotions. If you are struggling to cope with the session, a trained professional mediator will be aware of this and will stop the session to give you time to gather your thoughts. A mediator will also help you prepare for a meeting by ensuring that you are in a good emotional state before it starts.

2.    Use the reality bomb to prevent distortions: Making narcissists face the reality of a situation and their actions is something they dread. When discussing issues with someone who has NPD, a mediation session provides an excellent opportunity to do this. A mediator will assist you in expressing how you have been feeling, what you want, and how to achieve it. They will also clarify issues, terms, and agreements, and document them, which both parties will then sign. Working in this way makes it much harder for anyone to later distort your reality and claim they "didn't say something" or "didn't agree to something."

3.    Cut off communication outside the mediation: If you are involved in a prolonged negotiation or mediation, avoid engaging in additional communication with someone you suspect is attempting to manipulate you. This is especially important regarding phone calls, as speaking over the phone provides an opportunity for them to distort your thoughts and gaslight you later. Always ensure that all messages are delivered through the mediator during negotiations.

4.    Talk with and hire an experienced professional: When entering negotiations with a narcissist, they will always try to derail the talks by distorting, deflecting, and pushing your emotional buttons. A professional mediator will identify these tactics and ensure that the discussions stay on track while meeting your needs as well. Keep in mind that a professional mediator is there to help improve the current situation and find mutually beneficial outcomes. Not every negotiation or dispute resolution professional is skilled in dealing with personality disorders, so ensure that you work with someone who knows what to look for. A professional mediator should ensure that the narcissist adheres to fair agreements and plays by equal rules, while also helping them feel that they are achieving what they want.

If you are entering into mediation or negotiation and are concerned that the person sitting opposite you may be attempting to coerce or manipulate you, consider making an appointment for a free consultation call with me. 

Jason 
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Call: 07919102191
Website: Vantage Mediation